The CalmWithDom Podcast
Hey I'm Dominik, an Emotional Intelligence Coach for highly sensitive women ready to break their cycles of overwhelm to cultivate stronger relationships (both with themselves and others).
On this show, we do deep dives into how to best understand and leverage your sensitivity to thrive with tools such as shadow work, emotional intelligence skills, and more. My approach is psychospiritual because I truly believe we work best with all the language we can.
We're letting go of overwhelm and stepping into an unshakeable love of self over here, so I'm glad you've joined us!
From my sensitive soul to yours, I hope this helps.
The CalmWithDom Podcast
Grief In All Its Forms & What It Can Teach Us As HSP
Hey, friend. How's your tolerance to change?
In this episode, we're talking about how your relationships can be excellent measurements of how you relate to change, and the importance of responding to change in a way that honors your sensitivity.
This conversation is not limited to the highly sensitive. It's an invitation to everyone looking for personal growth and stronger relationships - so share it with a friend!
Watch the full episode on YouTube!
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Hey, welcome to the Kometown podcast where I help you harness your highly sensitive nature to overcome your energy leaks and strengthen your relationship with yourself and others. I'm your coach, dominic. Let's get into it. So I wasn't really planning on making this podcast episode. This one is impromptu.
Speaker 1:This summer has been full of downloads, lessons learned, self-coaching along with coaching other highly sensitive women, and coming to a lot of big conclusions that I feel like I needed to share. I was faced with a lot of change this summer, and one of those changes being losing a loved one, and I realized that there was this huge underlying theme of change going on within my life, in the lives of the clients that I'm coaching currently, and there are just so many things, so many lessons that are inside grief in particular, and grief in all of its forms, that I felt that it would take me over an hour to actually get into, and I would love to get into it, but for just a couple of pressing downloads that I've received that I want to get out of my system, out of my mind, outside of my coaching containers, and so that's where this podcast is coming from. This podcast episode. I want to talk about a couple of things that grief has really highlighted for me this summer and I think you might gain some some insight from and that is the only thing in life that is a guarantee is change, right, change is the guarantee and I feel like, as highly sensitive women, as highly sensitive people and individuals we are, we already know that change is very stimulating for us. Right? A lot of the highly sensitive women that I speak to they're very aware of the fact that change is the thing that that causes a lot of the, the inner turmoil. Right, because everyone has different thresholds. Right, and I'll be speaking more on introverted versus extroverted, highly sensitive people, high sensory seeking, highly sensitive people, or HSP, that's easier to say, versus those that are the don't seek high sensation or high stimulation.
Speaker 1:We seldom forget and I don't even know if forget is the word I think I have gone through stages where I have forgotten this about myself, and it's something that I'd like to remind my clients about, my mentees, the people that are in the Commodom Academy and anyone who listens to me on on social media as well in my newsletter. We are so privy to change, we are so aware of change, we are hardwired to notice change. Right, a part of what makes you, as a highly sensitive individual, as a highly sensitive, highly intuitive woman, such an asset in your environment, wherever you are in the home, at work, in your social circles, in your friendships, in your romantic relationships is the fact that you notice the subtleties, the subtle shifts of energy, the subtle changes in the environment, in your atmosphere and your and not talking about. You know, I'm not talking about the weather, I'm talking about the energetic shifts between people. Right, that is such a strength of yours and you have such a read on it pretty immediately, and it's something that you're processing before the non highly sensitive people around you are even aware of the thing.
Speaker 1:Right, and it's easy to forget that change can be your superpower. Your sensitivity makes it so that this is possible. It's pretty well known and if you followed me for long enough, then you know that I say this often you're really good at making the right decisions because of all the data that you have access to, right, all of the processing that you can do, the depth of processing that you can do, the fact that you're such a deep reflector makes this so, and I mention all of this because stimulation is promised. Stimulation is promised right. Change is the one guarantee in this life and because of that, stimulation is promised. It is a stimulating world that you live in every single day. Your reality is what you make it and you cultivate your reality. But the world in which we all live in is highly stimulating and it's not really up to you whether that's true or not. But what is up to you is your response, and where I'm getting out with this is your response is in your hands, it's in your control. Your reaction may not be and I wanted to just highlight that those two are very different things. Right, and I'll give you an example.
Speaker 1:You know like spontaneous, abrupt change can feel unsettling. Right, you're going through a major life change, whether that's a positive thing or not. Right, whether you lost a job, gained a new one, are moving, and this can be any kind of like big life changes. Again, the loss of a loved one is a big life change and whether it's favorable or unfavorable, your reaction can just be a reaction and your response is yours. And I hope that that's very empowering for you, cause it's kind of always been for me. Once I understood this and as change continued to happen in my life over the years, reminding myself of that fact was very grounding for me.
Speaker 1:So my initial reaction to change could definitely be something like you know, I'm disappointed or I'm annoyed at the change. Like I live by certain schedules and sometimes like spontaneous plans on a day, you know, like it can be disruptive for me and that can be annoying. Right, and in the past, like as a kid, I would let that annoyance right, or the frustration of like not being told plans or not being told something was gonna happen, not being not being able to prepare for change or to adapt to change ahead of time, or something like that. Right, it would be frustrating, annoying. Sometimes it'd be fear. Sometimes fear would come up for me, right, like if I shared something with someone or yeah, let's say I share something with someone or something is happening in my life.
Speaker 1:But maybe the response that I get from others or the reactions that I get from the people that I love or I care about or anyone, if I get, like a reaction I wasn't expecting, that can bring up fear for me, that can bring up confusion and like what? What's going on, like this is a good thing, why are you doing this? Right? Like all of these things, they're all examples of change, and change that I can't control. I can't control how other people respond to me, I can't control what life throws at me, but my response is mine and what is very natural for me in my response is to treat myself, is to treat myself with, or treat change with, neutrality, and that's a beautiful thing. So, for example, if my, if my initial reaction sounds like disappointment, annoyance, frustration, fear, etc. My response sounds like how can I make the most of this change right now? Or what can I do to feel better right now? So what's become very natural and habitual for me Over the last couple of years of really harnessing my sensitivity to start working for me instead of against me in the face of change is by either being present, right, returning to the present change is happening.
Speaker 1:It can either throw me off guard and like off kilter, or it can ground me into the present moment. It can throw me into gratitude. That's another response that feels really good, especially when it's out of nowhere and I'm not. I'm grateful. Speaking of gratitude, I'm grateful that it doesn't even feel intentional anymore. It's just a natural response of mine, or my response can look like fulfilling a need of mine and if you have if you've signed up for the last free three-day live trainings that I've done the shadow integration three-day live event that I did back in April of this year.
Speaker 1:I speak on what overstimulation is actually signaling to us and what our emotions are signaling to us, and that is that your needs have changed right. If you're feeling overstimulated, it doesn't mean that it's time for you to spiral into overwhelm right, submit or succumb to this to overwhelm right. That doesn't have to be your natural next step. What naturally progresses from overstimulation. It can actually be very useful for you, right? Overstimulation can be useful to you because it's giving you data and it gives you the opportunity to take care of a need that is clearly not being met right.
Speaker 1:An example that I've used in the past is, let's say, you're someone who works at like a coffee shop or something, or you do customer service at a retail store. You might be, you know, going above and beyond and making sure that customers that you treat, that you that you take care of and tend to, are feeling good. You have a good rapport with them. Maybe you're making them laugh, making them smile, making their day, just doing your best to have a great exchange. If you're feeling overstimulated. Your body is letting you know, hey, like there's a need not being met, it's time for you to pivot. And so you have to pivot priorities. Maybe your priority is not to make the customer laugh right now. Maybe your priority right now is to make sure that this interaction is concise, you do your job efficiently and then you get out of there so that you can take a five minute break in the back or step outside or talk to your superior, whatever it is right. And that's just one of the many examples.
Speaker 1:But ultimately, over simulation is a clear indicator of, hey, your needs have changed because a need of yours is not being met right now. Seeing it that way, we can become more intentional with our responses to over stimulation, because stimulation is promised and your reaction doesn't have to dictate what kind of day you're gonna have or how this experience or this sudden change is gonna make you feel. And I think that's really empowering, because you are the most privy and aware of change. Right, and all that's forms and grief is one of the many results of potential of sudden change. Whether you lose a loved one from death or maybe a relationship ended, maybe you and a friend grew apart, maybe you lost a job that you really loved, or you are graduating from a school that you had that you made many memories in, right. Whatever it is, grief in all of its forms can give us the opportunity to take our power back in the face of change.
Speaker 1:Another thing that grief has really painted for me is that community is very important to highly sensitive people. Our community is a part of our environment, right, and we're highly impacted and affected and influenced by our environment. What grief has exposed to me is just how much our relationships can be a powerful tool, a powerful mirror and a powerful measurement for how you relate to change and transformation, just generally. How you connect with theirs is arguably how you connect with yourself and definitely how you connect with the world, and sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that fact. I think that's the best way to put it.
Speaker 1:Relationships are really good at exposing our behavioral and emotional patterns, which makes them pretty reliable databases and reference points. This is a term that I've come up with with one of my one-on-one clients who I adore, and it's an ongoing joke between us that whenever she learns something new about herself or about the people that she is in relationship with and relationships with the people in her community. She says database updated and it's so funny because one of the many things that I teach and like to remind my clients is a part of protecting your energy as a highly sensitive person. Looks like treating people accordingly and that's not a bad thing. That is protecting your energy within your relationships and it doesn't have to come from resentment, it doesn't have to be a negative thing, and even that sentiment can be tainted, twisted and warped by our cognitive distortions If we let it. So.
Speaker 1:I always make sure, before I even introduce that concept and idea, I have worked with my client on their specific cognitive distortions, because we all face cognitive distortions, every single one of us, and they look different from each other, and some of us have particular patterns, particular cognitive distortions that we lean on or constantly reaffirm, and that can be a completely different podcast episode, but I bring this up to say there's so much that we can heal in solitude and that is why I place a lot of emphasis on your self relationship as well as your relationships with others, because there is, there's a specific kind of healing that you can do on your own within yourself. That's where shadow work comes in and that's where doing the inner work, meeting, tending to, considering your inner children, your, your shadow self all that work comes in and it's super important and that is a part of the foundation in the Roadmap to Self-Grounding self study program that I offer. At the same time, there is a specific healing that we can only do in relation to other people, because there are versions of ourselves that we do not see until we are relating with other people and different kinds of people and different types of relationships. Every relationship in our lives represents different kind of changes. One conversation with someone, someone other than ourselves, is prime example of how we relate to change, because I have no control over how someone responds to me. You have no control over what someone says to you, does to you, and we learn a lot about ourselves in relation to other people and a lot of the times working with my clients, they're so tapped in and so self-aware and they're so aware and know so much about the people that they are in relationships with. But there is a disconnect. To explain this even better, in a lot of online spaces that are dedicated to highly sensitive people, I have noticed that there is this sense of bonding through trauma. It's so important to feel seen, to feel heard in your struggles, but there's always there's so much of a the rest of the world is too harsh or I keep getting hurt by other people that there is this mistrust of others when other people teach us so much about ourselves. Other people show us what we care about. They show us who we are, who we actually are, not just when we're alone with ourselves.
Speaker 1:One thing that I ask my clients a lot is what is the thing that you are seeking in this relationship? Are you getting it anywhere else in your life and do you provide this for yourself first? Not that you have to provide the things that you want and need, right, we need other people to provide us different things, and that's so okay. But the point of these conversations is to integrate what we know about ourselves and about the people in our lives. Right, it's to be proactive in our self-awareness. One thing to know who you are in different types of relationships is one thing. To know how the people in your life are and how they are in relation to you and how they treat you. But what are you actually doing with that information and are you actually applying that information so that you are not letting yourself get hurt by others, right, and not really by others, more so getting hurt by your expectations.
Speaker 1:Hello Editing Dom here, two months after the recording of this podcast episode, I just realized there is no ending to this episode. So, to wrap this up, what I wanted to emphasize on this topic was it's really important for us to check in with our relationship with change, to change within ourselves, within our relationships and in life, right? I recorded this episode when I was deep in my grieving. Since that recording, I had faced even more loss and the way that I've experienced grief this year alone has been completely different to how I've experienced grief in the past, and I'm someone who I don't immediately consider myself to be someone who's went through a lot of grief and a lot of change. But that truly is dependent on who you ask, because I've lost a lot of people in my life and I've faced a lot of change as well in my life Unwanted, unexpected and change that I actively chose and decided and moved forward with.
Speaker 1:Change comes in all forms and all shapes and sizes, and so does grief, by default, and how we respond, how we relate, how we choose to perceive these changes the unexpected and the expected, because it's all hard.
Speaker 1:It all can be hard and life changing. As highly sensitive people, we do get to benefit in ways that the people around us may not, if we can turn change into this positive life event and choose to access love, gratitude, a deep understanding in what is hard to understand most often is very powerful, and it directly improves our relationships the ones that we have with ourselves and definitely our relationships with the people that we love and that we care about. And so, if you enjoyed this episode, I welcome you and invite you to not only like this video. If you're watching the video, not only leave a review and rate the podcast on Apple Podcast, because it helps so much, but also share it with a loved one. This conversation is not just for the highly sensitive, it's just the lens in which I approach it. Ultimately, everyone benefits from reflecting on how they relate to change and how our relationships show us a lot about how we relate to change. Thank you for listening to this week's episode. I will see you next week this afternoon. Please go to a dynasty.
