The Power Of The Apology To Cultivate Safer Relationships

 Are you apologizing to the wrong people?

Watch the conversation on YouTube!

In this connection-driven conversation, we grapple with the challenges of dealing with individuals who lack empathy or self-awareness. 

Angeli and I talk openly about 

• The significance of setting boundaries, knowing when to disengage, and the complications of carrying responsibilities that aren’t ours. 
• The ease of generalizing or demonizing those who show narcissistic traits.
•   The difference between boundaries and walls in protecting our energy.  

And so much more.

Let this episode be your guide to navigating relationships more authentically, staying energized, and carving out your own safe spaces💙


Angeli's Codependency Workshop: https://angeliluz.as.me/?appointmentType=53714739

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💜All About Angeli Luz!💜
Angeli Luz shines brightly as a luminary in holistic coaching, a dedicated student of therapy, and a spiritual practitioner. Her life's purpose is deeply rooted in empowering individuals toward self-healing, nurturing healthy relationships, and coming home to their innate spiritual gifts.

As a gifted writer and poet, Angeli weaves a tapestry of wisdom into her work. Her words dance in harmony with celestial rhythms, channeling profound insights into her enlightening newsletter and compelling podcast. Her writing bridges the gap between the ethereal and everyday, guiding readers on a journey of deeper understanding and spiritual illumination.

To join Angeli's universe on this path of spiritual wisdom and healing, consider becoming part of her newsletter community here: https://view.flodesk.com/pages/62dd9a8d03e5892a03493da4. Here, you will discover a sanctuary that resonates with the symphony of the cosmos, fostering growth, understanding, and tranquility in mind, body, and spirit.

💜Angeli's Links💜
Follow On Instagram and Twitter: @angelixluz
Website: https://www.angeliluz.com/
Email: hello@angeliluz.com 
Her podcast, Mindful Musings: https://open.spotify.com/show/1II14DbW0xVqZMMhrwInGZ?si=4cc94cf966c04e61 

Awesome Resources👇🏽

FREE:
Want to learn about all the ways I can serve you? Let's talk! Book a Free Connection Call with me here🩷

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Go for it, sensitive soul - I can't wait to connect with you.

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Email Me: dominik@calmwithdom.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Apologies and Safer Relationships for HSPs
• 12:56 Navigating Apologies With Empathy and Boundaries
• 22:02 Boundaries, Energy Vampires, and Forgiveness
• 33:32 Expanding Guest Presence on the Podcast

Transcript

Dominik : 0:00

Hey, welcome to the Calm with Dawn podcast, where we harness our highly sensitive nature to overcome our energy leaks and strengthen our relationships with ourselves and with others. I'm your coach, dominic. This episode is going to be good. Let's get into it. In today's episode, we are talking about the power of apologies and cultivating safer relationships as highly sensitive people. But I have a beloved guest on this episode. Her name is Anjali Luz. She is a holistic coach, a dedicated student of therapy and a spiritual practitioner. All of her links will be down below.

Dominik : 0:43

Anjeli has also gifted all of my listeners with her co-dependency workshop. We're going to get into why this is so important. You can find the link in the description to that workshop, as well as the code to gain access to it. It was really cool to hear Anjali's insights on the power of apologies and our relationships and how, in certain situations, they can be disempowering, and how to avoid sacrificing our power to energy vampires people which really don't deserve it but, most importantly, how to use the power of apologies to take back our power and step into it as we show up authentically in our relationships. If you enjoy anything that was said in this episode and you like the video, subscribe to the show so you don't miss another episode, and leave a comment on your thoughts, definitely putting this in the beginning of the episodes now, because I really want to encourage my listeners to engage. Let the algorithm know that you're actually enjoying this, so that people just like you, just like me, can find this show and find community in this show, as I intend it to. For those listening on Apple Podcasts, spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts instead of watch them. Definitely leave a review and rate the show if you would like to, and if you are interested in working with me, either one-on-one, or you want to gain access to some of my teachings. All of that will be in the link in my description as well. Enjoy this conversation with Anjali.

Dominik : 2:27

Liz. I'm happy to have you on the podcast, the Comedom Podcast. Like I've said before, I'm such a fan of your work. I'm a fan of your presence online on my feed. It's really. It's always enjoyable, and I like the little conversations that we've had here and there. This, even like the conversation, the snippet, the bite-sized convo that we had in the DMs about the topic of today, was enough to inspire me to be like I can have this conversation with her and it'll be like a really great one. So I'm really glad that you said yes to this one.

Dominik : 3:12

Of course, the topic today is just our relationship with forgiveness and how we relate to apologies within our relationships. I feel like that's such a relevant topic for so many reasons, but especially for people who are, who identify as AHSP, people who feel that they're a little more in tune with their own energy, a bit more sensitive than the people around them, even people who are neurodivergent and they can't help the stimulation, the sensory stimuli of an environment it can. I think all of that can lend to just how our needs show up in relationships. I remember when we were I'm actually going to pull up the conversation that we had because I know you had posted something which I don't think I can see anymore but the first thing that came up for me was I said okay, I said I just had a conversation with a client about this the fear of apologizing out of defensiveness and how the opposite can look like a willingness to be accountable.

Dominik : 4:33

For your part, that's what came up for me and I loved your response because you were like, yeah, forgiving someone and apologizing to someone can be very healing. You said, putting your pride down to apologize can be very healing. With that, you said that over apologizing or overly apologizing can be disempowering. If someone is a people pleaser or has doormat tendencies which I love how you worded that, I was like doormat tendencies, that's a thing. That's exactly what that is. I just thought that was really relevant to the conversations that I've been having and I still feel that way. So, yeah, let's talk about it. Do you remember the first time you felt like you have officially or properly apologized to anyone? Does it, I guess because I had the way that I worded. This question was how was the way that you apologized in the past, like your first time, different from how you apologize now? I asked that question. I more so want to know about your mindset around approaching an apology, whether you're apologizing or someone else is apologizing to you.

Angeli Luz: 6:04

Yeah, so I think apologizing is really difficult for a lot of people because we are prideful sometimes and our ego gets in the way, and so that tends to happen to me as well. I'm a human being, you're a human being, so for me what shows up is pride or anger. If I'm angry, then I'm like I don't want to apologize or I don't want to be the bigger person. But then, after I take the emotional space to wind down, regulate myself and see the different perspectives okay, maybe I wasn't the wrong here then I'm able to come back out of my hidey hole and be like oh, I'm sorry that I did X, y and Z, and I tend to give a little bit of an explanation not an excuse, but an explanation of why that happened after I spent time self-reflecting.

Dominik : 7:00

I love that you said what was it? How did you word it? Hidey hole. Yeah, loone, you're hiding in a hole. I love that you yeah, I love that you described it that way. I, when you mentioned 'hidey hole', I immediately thought of my version of that, which was the opposite. Like for a long time it was, if that was your 'hidey hole' - in my past, like climbing on my high horse and the ego man. The ego is a - it popped out to protect often when I was in my first instances of like having to apologize to someone. Do you feel like there is like a clear difference between how you did apologize before and how you go about it, like nowadays, how you find yourself if you have to apologize? Just the mindset and feelings, if any feelings or sensations kind of show up for you.

Angeli Luz: 8:02

Yeah, I think as a kid, when I apologize, it'd be like I'm sorry that you're upset, and it's more like oh, I'm sorry that you're experiencing x, y and z. But as I got older I've learned the properly way to apologize and to take accountability for the people that you care about and you want to keep close. Because another thing I don't think everybody deserves an apology and I think that if you really care about someone, then obviously you want to apologize. You want that person in your life, so you kind of have to.

Angeli Luz: 8:38

I have learned to put my pride down. I've learned to get off my own high horse and really just like be like okay, I'm sorry that I hurt you and I'm sorry that I did x, y and z to you, and then I'll provide like a solution. You know how can I make it better? Or you know, next time, next time I'll do this instead. Or next time can you, for example, like let me know in advance or something and whatever caused me to be upset and then accidentally hurt the other person. I would be like you know, next time can you let me know or do this, and then I won't get reactive, etc.

Dominik : 9:27

That kind of goes into another question I was going to ask you about, like the type of apology you prefer, or the type of apology that you go for versus what you want to hear. I don't know if you're familiar with the apologies languages, but you just made me think of that because I'm someone who offers solutions that way, like if I'm gonna apologize, you know it is, it looks like taking accountability and also being, uh, offering a plan or something or like how do I avoid this in the future? Basically, how do I avoid hurting you in the future? And it sounds like you're the same way.

Angeli Luz: 10:14

Yeah, definitely very solution oriented, because I don't want it to keep repeating and it just can get toxic.

Dominik : 10:21

There was something else that you said that made me think of something else. Do you feel like, or where do we draw the line between like, between being self-aware and taking accountability, and approaching an apology without kind of like losing our power, if that makes sense? It's like yeah, I'm apologizing to you, but without taking all the blame, and do you feel like you can do it with everyone?

Angeli Luz: 10:58

So I think it definitely depends. I would say it's a case by case basis, because every situation is different but what I've noticed is people who over-apologize. They over-apologize for everything, like I'm sorry about this and I'm sorry about that and I'm sorry about this. And I feel like I have to remind some people, like some of my friends, that they'll do that, they'll overly apologize for everything and they'll be like you don't have to apologize, it's okay. And I used to do that too. I think I used to be a little bit more apologetic about every little thing in my life and I've noticed I've become like just a lot more empowered and more confident and secure in myself when I stopped overly apologizing.

Angeli Luz: 11:39

And then, on the other side of the spectrum, there's the people who they can be very aggressive and they never apologize and they tend to have extreme amounts of pride and they don't wanna let it go, and so that is the kind of people that can kind of be like gaslighty and or even if they're not gaslighting somebody, they can just end up hurting somebody, and a lot of times they're not self-aware, but they also they think the world revolves around them. But then the people pleasers it's not that they think the world revolves around them, but they just feel like they shouldn't take up space in the world and they have a hard time like just existing without apologizing for their existence. So it tends to be very insecure, whereas the other end of the spectrum, the more prideful non-apologizers I don't know what to call them can lean towards having narcissistic traits, but they can also definitely be more like the kind of people that just don't. They don't see the point in apologizing. They might lack empathy, whereas I think people pleasers might have too much empathy.

Dominik : 12:56

What would your advice be to someone who is definitely disempowered in their apologies? So someone like the highly empathetic person in regards to like or when they're dealing with someone who's just lacks empathy, like a narcissistic, or just a person who is gaslighty defensive and who lacks self-awareness. What would be your advice to those people on navigating apologies?

Angeli Luz: 13:31

I would tell them not to take the person who lacks empathy, not to take their words like. They tend to say hurtful words because they want to hurt the other person and so that's the extreme end. Of course, most of us fall somewhere in the middle. And so I would say not to take their words at heart, because they're just spouting stuff. They're just either trying to hurt you or they're just not self-aware. They're just spouting stuff and, at the end of the day, you're not responsible for fixing them or healing them. They have to do their own inner work.

Angeli Luz: 14:09

And if you feel the need to fix those kinds of people or to still surround yourself with those kinds of people, even though they've crossed your boundaries multiple times, then I would tell those people to reevaluate their own boundaries and really like ask themselves like why am I still around this person if this person has hurt me so many times and it doesn't care? Or maybe they've apologized but they keep repeating the same thing, like over and over and over, like a hundred times? Or maybe they're just not doing the inner works, like why would you surround yourself with somebody like that? And typically that will come from a childhood wound that they have, like a deeper attachment wound, a childhood wound that they have, and so they have to revisit that experience and that wound and, yeah, like, don't blame yourself for their reactions, for somebody who's non-emphatetic, don't blame yourself and cut them off if you can, because yeah they're not gonna change, you're not gonna fix them, you're not gonna heal them.

Angeli Luz: 15:15

I used to think that I could like fix people and I think a lot of us like empathetic, like very empathetic people can be like, oh, we can just help them or fix them or see the potential of somebody, and that just doesn't work A hundred percent, yeah. Yeah, it just hurts you more because you're not gonna help them.

Dominik : 15:37

A hundred percent, yeah, and I feel like even that note for some reason I wanna mention, like you can't fix them and they can't fix you like too, cause I feel like that's definitely.

Dominik : 15:51

That definitely hits on the note that you mentioned about when the highly empathetic person is disempowered in their apologies and always apologizing for everything. It's like finding your, finding your self worth. It can only be found, like, within you. You dictate that and it's hard when I know, even like as highly sensitive people, when you're so aware of your environment and you're picking up on the emotions of everyone else and you have the capacity to consider that you play a part in how that person is feeling.

Dominik : 16:37

Oh my gosh, it's so easy to like slip into a. Is this my fault? Are you over there? Because I didn't tend to you properly Like, was I not? Did I miss something? And it's just because we're so used to catching subtleties.

Dominik : 16:57

It's easy to almost like create, make it a burden to or make it our responsibility, and no one told us to do that in the first place. It's such a slippery slope because I feel like with gaslighters, with narcissists or just I love that you mentioned this too. Thank you for mentioning that. It's a spectrum and we fall in between the spectrum and you don't have to be a narcissist it's such a hot word now but like to display narcissistic behaviors and it's just easy for people who lean or have some narcissistic behaviors again from childhood to be unaware of the how that trauma is showing up for them and how they respond and like behave towards you, to maybe even unconsciously like pick up on the fact that you're so hyper aware and you're so adaptable and flexible to their needs that it's it's quite easy to take advantage of that.

Angeli Luz: 18:09

Yeah, exactly what you were saying about that, and I just also wanted to point out about how it takes a lot for somebody to actually be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. So People are just calling everybody narcissist nowadays, when what they really mean is this person has a narcissistic traits. I think it can be an easy way to demonize somebody too, if you're not careful for sure there is this thing of, like People who display narcissistic behaviors.

Dominik : 18:40

They tend to Make themselves, keep themselves the victim of a lot of situations, and that's where that like emotional manipulation shows up, but also as, like, the highly empathetic person in the situation. If you're kind of doing the damage for them by victimizing yourself so much, that's again where we remain disempowered. I love that you mentioned that, because I was like I was gonna say, or trying to figure out how to word it the best way but To victimize yourself also, it also excuses you of showing up and taking accountability, and it's easy to do the same thing like Dish out the same harm that were that you may be getting in return. Basically, yeah, I love that you mentioned that. Thank you.

Angeli Luz: 19:41

Yeah, yeah, of course, and as well for people who are like people, cleansers and Fix people. A lot of them have their own controlling wounds, so a lot of them will try to fix people or to help people and then expect something in return, or they'll try to fix people as a way of controlling other people worth there being a people pleaser because it's their way of getting control in the world. So a lot of them have to also make peace with their own shadow.

Dominik : 20:10

I just I love that you said that. Thank you, it's such that's a conversation that I Enjoy having. We could, we could stay here. Actually, I want to ask you some questions about that because I have noticed, I've noticed a bit of a trend just in the work that I do and I want to ask if, like, that's something that you've also recognized in your work, in your personal life. Like I mean, I can, I can Honestly say that I have wanted to Keep or remain in control of certain situations in my life for a long time before I decided to like Spend some time in my shadows, basically, and and get uncomfortable. Do you or you know what I? I'll just leave it open-ended like what are some examples that come to mind of? Like someone with someone with the trauma, with experience dealing with, again, energy vampires to, to use a broad term their their experience With control? Like what's their relationship with control usually that you've noticed?

Angeli Luz: 21:33

Yeah, the thing is, energy vampires aren't always like aggressive and in your face, but a lot of times they are people with victim mindsets that Drain you as well. So it goes both ways. There's some that are more aggressive and there's some that are just are stuck in a victim mentality, but then I've noticed a lot of people are also unconsciously Energy vampires, like I don't think most people are out there. They're like I'm going to drain your energy. It's very subconscious, conscious.

Angeli Luz: 22:02

I knew someone, for example, that was very Codependent on me and I didn't even realize this person was an energy vampire Because I was feeding into their codependency, that I was letting myself, I guess, get distracted by it like they would. I wouldn't respond to them. They would text me like three to five more times and that lasted for a long time, like about a year or two, and then, the one time that I set a boundary, then that person and cut me off. I set a boundary and, yeah, so definitely have boundaries in place and protect your own energy, because energy vampires aren't always like Try, like people that are trying to purposely manipulate you, take advantage of you, but they can be. It can be as simple as somebody being codependent on you.

Dominik : 22:51

Oh, my god, so well said and I agree with every word. It's so important. What do you feel about? There is something there about boundaries and having a sense of control that I'm interested in and kind of Touching on. I don't know how I want to touch on it, but I feel like there is a correlation there, whether One thing that comes to mind right away is like, well, the lack of boundaries. Do you feel that maybe a lack of boundaries Lens to, to the, the people, the, the people pleasers, to have or maintain a sense of control, or that without boundaries there is no control or anything about that?

Angeli Luz: 23:48

Yeah, without boundaries, it's like where do you begin and where does, where do you end, right? And so you tend to enmesh yourself with other people, with family members really easy to enmesh with family members and so it's like you have to know where you begin, where you end, and so that's what boundaries are there for. They help us with our limitations, they help us understand our own needs and their ways of how we navigate our being there. Like doors, not walls. Some people think that boundaries are like walls. Like the boundaries are like walls. Like, for example, I've seen people want to be emotionally avoided and not take accountability and that would be a wall, not a door. So that's not actually not a boundary, that's just their own walls and wounding. And so I think there's definitely a lot of confusion with boundaries too.

Angeli Luz: 24:40

Like there was a recent situation where I believe a celebrity I think it was Jonah Hill and his ex-girlfriend that that situation definitely upset me because there was this whole debate of like, oh, he's setting boundaries, he was trying to control her, essentially, and his girlfriend, she was a surfer and she, like, has always been, like you know, posting bikini pics and all of that because she's a surfer and hanging out with certain people. That's her career and he started trying to control her. He's like I don't want you posting bikini pictures, I don't want you hanging out with your crazy friends and this is a boundary. Like, no, no, no.

Angeli Luz: 25:21

Boundaries is not about controlling other people either. It's just about controlling yourself, knowing your own limits, and you can express your boundaries to other people, and if they respect them, they're valuable people that you want to keep in your life, because not everybody's going to respect you. Most people will not respect your boundaries, in fact, and so I would say that those people you definitely want to keep around and people who are learning your boundaries, you want to keep them around. But the most important thing, of course, is to know your own boundaries, know your own limitations and express them whenever you have to. Oh my gosh.

Dominik : 25:57

Yeah, I agree 100%. There is like I love that you said that boundaries are doors, not walls, because, yeah, like avoidance is such a clear sign of what you're doing. It's such a clear sign of that, like avoidance within yourself, if you're, if there's something you don't even want to like, look at even for a second because it makes you uncomfortable, that's. There's no, there's nothing to respect and honor there, because there's no space for a conversation. Boundaries is allowing space for the conversation. This is what it is for me. You can either respect it or not, but I'm no matter what. There's openness about the thing. You can't be open about something you don't even want to talk about. I wanted to talk to you about the importance of forgiveness for our self-healing and closing spiritual cycles and, yeah, I left it that broad because I feel like we can take it anywhere. But what are your thoughts on that? Like the role forgiveness plays in our own healing?

Angeli Luz: 27:12

I think that forgiveness frees you from karma, but I also think that forgiveness isn't necessarily about the other person. You don't have to let the other person know you've forgiven them Right. There's so many different kinds of forgiveness your self-forgiveness, forgiveness of others. And self-forgiveness obviously has something we should all practice more especially. If you're overly apologetic, if you're hanging around people who do have narcissistic tendencies, or you tend to get eloped with people who train you and hurt you constantly, then you do have to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to stay in those hurtful situations, for allowing yourself to stay in a victim mentality. You do have to forgive yourself for that. And then the other type of forgiveness, which is forgiveness of others, and that one is also very complicated, I would say, because there's always this debate between should we forgive, should we not forgive?

Angeli Luz: 28:13

The way that we see it in psychology right, because I'm training to be a therapist and so the way that we see it in psychology is that forgiveness is about yourself and releasing yourself from the other person, so it's more about freedom. But it can also be very liberating if it's somebody that you do want to heal your relationship with, let's say a family member, and you want to say like hey, I forgive you for hurting me X, y and Z, and that can really open up that person's heart as well, and so it is a very touchy subject for a lot of people, I know. But forgiveness essentially frees you from karma, and so I do suggest to practice forgiveness, even if it just means letting go of that person. You don't want to speak to them ever again.

Dominik : 29:04

Beautifully said.

Dominik : 29:05

I so agree with the fact that forgiveness is key in detachment honestly, in making sure that we are not attaching ourselves to anyone.

Dominik : 29:20

That I think, ultimately, going back to the touching on the topic of karma, it's super important, right, like there are so many ways in which we can find ourselves tied to other people for in ways that just don't serve us. And, yeah, I love that you mentioned that you don't have to actually speak your forgiveness out loud. You know it's interesting, I feel like another thing that comes up for me in the conversations that I have with my clients, that concerns of whether they've forgiven the person or not comes up a lot, and with that there's this expectation of like, well, if you've forgiven this person, then ideally, like you shouldn't do X, y, z, like whatever it is. But there is this like picture of what forgiveness looks like, and I think that can lean into like performative forgiveness, of like I forgive you, I'm so okay when that may not be true and you don't have to actually sound like that or do that. So, yeah, I'm glad you said that.

Angeli Luz: 30:51

Yeah, I think it really just frees you from your past and just allows you to just break the chains of your own grudges and your own resentments.

Dominik : 31:03

Beautifully said. I can hear you talk about this forever. Anjali, before I let you go today, would you like to share where my audience can find you and anything else that they can look forward from you?

Angeli Luz: 31:20

Yeah, so you can follow me on Anjalixloose that's A-N-G-E-L-I-X-LOOSE-L-U-Z, and I also have a website, anjaliloosecom. A n g e l I l u z dot com. And I also wanted to gift your listeners my co-dependency workshop. It'll be down in the description.

Dominik : 31:45

Perfect. That sounds so good and so helpful, especially for the highly sensitive women who listen to this show. So definitely check out the link and the description for for for all of those where you can find Angelie and that workshop. Thank you so much, angelie, for being here today. I so enjoyed talking to you.

Angeli Luz: 32:06

Thank you, thank you, I love talking to you too.

Dominik : 32:10

And that is a wrap on today's episode. Thank you so much for listening, if you've made it this far. Thank you so much. You have definitely heard a bunch of different qualities of audio in this episode and I wish I could have addressed it at the beginning. But this is a one-man show, so me, it's just me. This is editing Dom and with not the best editing software and honestly, that's okay. We're dealing. Things will get better as the show progresses. We will. I will have more, we'll have better equipment, hopefully.

Dominik : 32:50

The beauty of editing these episodes myself is getting to go through the journey of the frustrations of the quality that I want to present, but ultimately I'm so happy with this conversation I know I had to share it and we are doing weekly videos. We're doing weekly episodes. No questions about it, no ifs, ands or buts about it. I've committed to the show and in providing deep and insightful episodes for you to hopefully benefit from. So thank you for listening this far.

Dominik : 33:32

My goal is to, little by little, have more guests come on the show, because I love having these conversations with like-minded individuals who have a boatload of experience and expertise on some of these topics. Anjali was such a sweetheart we had actually just met the day of recording this conversation and it was so pleasant to learn more about Anjali. Check out the description and all of her links, plus her co-dependency workshop, and if you have any questions about working with me or you have any topics that you want me to touch on on the podcast, my information is below and I do accept when I want clients on an ongoing basis, so you can check out all that information down below. I've left spending time with you today. I will see you next week.